on prom (or 'not winning')

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2011

on prom (or 'not winning')

Well, today is the day. "The" day, if you are a junior or senior in our town. Today is Prom. Our 16 year old has been prepping and stressing and planning and worrying about this day for a few months now. Things were much simpler if you attended Prom in the 80s...buy a poofy dress, get some dyed shoes, make your hair really big, put your wrist corsage on...and go! Now, there are designer dresses, alterations, a hair stylist, flip-flops on your feet, and wires that wrap around your arm and hold flowers. Quite a different experience.

As we have spent all this time preparing for Prom, it has been a challenge working around Mas for the festivities. Here are some of the mantras repeated the past week: "Keep Mas away from the dress", "Keep Mas out of the shoes", "What are we going to do with Mas while we're taking pictures?", "What are we going to do with Mas while we are at Grand March?", "What if he drools on someone's dress?" And the list goes on...and on, and on, and on....

It's funny that while we are doing what any "normal" red-blooded American family would do during Prom week, we are also saddled with immense work and worry over a young man who never asked to be a part of Prom. He just wants things to be like normal. Or, should I say, "normal". As his school break also happens to be this past week, things have been amped up and running at 100 mph for quite some time now.

I have to admit, while I don't think a little drool or a little noise at Grand March are anything to freak out about, I DO wonder what it would be like to, say, clean the house and have it stay clean for more than 20 minutes. Or, do the fun, girly-Prom-prep things without worrying about a babysitter. Or, what it would be like to stay up late tonight to see the kids off to the after-Prom party without shortening my night's slumber. (Because Mas will wake up at the same time tomorrow, regardless...after all, he didn't go to Prom!)

Things are getting tougher and tougher here at the ol' hacienda as far as maneuvering around the needs and demands of 13 year old special needs boy. Between the onslaught of diapers, the screaming fits for a plethura of unknown reasons, the spitting, the messes, etc., I now realize that the thing that will decide his fate is....me. His caregiver. I see now that I am going to tire long before I want to.

It's odd to think that people were just celebrating God and Easter and all things holy, when I was wondering what type of deity would give a child to a family, knowing that family would not be able to care for him. It seems like the cruelest of cosmic jokes. I used to try, very hard, to find God in all of this, and yet, it gets harder and harder by the day. I know there are things we are thankful for, and even more things we should be thankful for, but it is hard to gloss over the fact that we are stuck in a no-win situation here. As a person, I have given all to raise this child. As a family, we have given more. As a child stuck in a small teenager-y body, he deserves it all, but as far as what should be expected from people on a daily basis, we are maxed-out.

I keep hoping we will see a sign that we are actually doing things right or that things will start to look up. Or that we are supposed to be keeping him at home and trying to get through this. I don't know if we are right or we are wrong. I just don't know. I do know, though, that we are all weary, both in body and in spirit. If there is a Master in charge of all this, I hope he sees fit to give us some sort of sign that we are doing what we are supposed to do.